August 1, 2007
Dear Jenny,
I just moved to a new town, and I'm finding it hard to meet people. I've checked Craigslist for book clubs and poker tables, but they always seem to be in the outer suburbs or full of complete geeks. I want to meet women, of course, but at this point, I'd be happy just meeting some interesting people.
I'm a freelancer, and most of my clients are out of town, so I can't meet people through work. I don't drink a lot, so bars are kind of out. It's gotten to where I just sit in front of the TV every evening, watching reruns of "Friends" and eating Ben & Jerry's out of the container. I feel disgusting and lonely. Please help!
Signed,
Lone, Lonely, Alone
Dear Lone, Lonely, Alone,
You know, lots of people will tell you that it's hard moving to a new town, you have to give it time, you'll find your niche, blah blah blah. But you know what? You may not. Ever. You may just discover that you're socially inept. Perhaps this wasn't so clear in your old town, where people were used to you and could simply cluck like hens behind your back as soon as you were out of earshot. But now, you're on your own in a new town. And you're making a hash of it.
I mean, what are you doing asking some guy named Craig for advice on how to find women? What would he know about it? Also, if you're going to sit around depressed, watching reruns, why not pick something uplifting like "The Facts of Life"? Or, like, "Xena the Warrior Princess" or something? You need to get into the right groove here, not act like some sad-sack straight woman pining for a man to marry. So, pull yourself out of that tub of Ben and Jerry's and listen to me.
You've got to think outside the box, by which I mean that empty box that's serving as your head. Want to meet women? It's totally simple. You can:
* Masquerade as a traveling sorority girl, and ask the "sisters" at your local college if you can stay over in their house for a couple of nights. Pack massage oil in your perky little overnight bag.
* Get a job at the local bookstore and slip your phone number into all the copies of "Tipping the Velvet" and "Lez Girls."
* Work at the movie theater, and every time a cute girl orders popcorn, say, "Honey, I'd be happy to butter up your kernels any day!"
* Become a cop, pull over all the beautiful women in convertibles, then tell them, "I'll let you off with a warning this time, but if I catch you driving while hot again, I'll have to punish you!"
For god's sake, use your imagination. Otherwise, we'll be watching you on TV in a few years being rolled out of your apartment and loaded into a van for emergency gastric bypass surgery, a trail of empty ice cream tubs in your wake. On second thought, that would be kind of gruesomely entertaining. So, really, either way is fine.
Good luck, and let us know if we should go ahead and buy stock in Ben & Jerry's.
Love,
Jenny
